Wednesday, November 21, 2007

and I said that your words are beautiful. I do thank you for all of your thoughtfulness. It is quite amazing, and perhaps even more precious that you make such grand statements on the person that I am, when I haven’t seen you these many years.
I have known for a while that the derogation of my heart was inevitable. I knew when I first met him. I knew that I would fall in love with him, and I knew that he would smash my soul. I just didn’t know that it would be so complete…not to say that my soul is completely destroyed, just that there was very little release. I knew this, and I let it happen. I didn’t mind giving up what defines me to make him love me. He just did not. I would pour myself into my children and wait for the day when he would. That day never came. everyday it became more obvious, until I gave all of me for nothing. I couldn’t bear to think that they would expect or live the same life. They would believe that love was defined in such disgusting terms. My lame heart, believes that it can fight, it can endure endless things, in order to prove it’s worth. That is, if I give, all of me, everything that is in my kind soul, in my heart, all of it, that in this time, then he will, must believe (in me) and of what we have…love. Not just ridiculous lust, or random coincidence. But true love…I seek this kind of amazement to the point of oblivion. I have been cautious enough not to travel farther. “I know not, nor do I dare.” ( recognize that last line, I stole it, though I cannot remember the source, if you could I’d appreciate you to refresh my memory. It fit perfectly, had to use it) I think, now I fight to hold on to what I know must be true, to what I need to be true, in order to be whole again, I must believe in these things. That love exists in this way. But all that I have lived, all that I have seen proves otherwise. It is hard, and, quite frankly, so pathetic. That this is the endeavor of my life. I admit, there is so much more that provokes me, so much that enchants me, but what I desire most, is to be happy…but to live this happiness, with someone, a person, only one. That will learn from everything that we experience together, to grow old with someone, to experience life, to be strong when I am weak. I feel I have searched forever. Did you ever read, anne of green gables…anne of windy poplars, such a girly fantasy, which I believed would actually come true, all of these silly fantasies…I read little woman, cried for two weeks because jo didn’t marry teddy. I know I have to forget these things, and move on from my initial fixation. It is not healthy to dwell on such things, I know. I would play MASH, remember the game, I don’t know if boys play, but believed that life was the same way…I was to have seven children, I had the order…boy or girl… and the names, of all of the boys, my husband, of course, would name the girls. And I thought, rather simply, that life would take the same planned course. I hadn’t really ever considered anything different. Even when things changed, I would make a new plan, and this time, that one of course would happen. And here I am, im 28, there is no one to grow old with. I have four girls that need a strong empowered woman. And sometimes I still feel like an enchanted little girl. Oh, please do not let this letter mislead you. I am not always weak. I do not care to be, it is sickening to think that I should spend another tear on such a person. I am done with all of that. I just miss the dreams that I could create from having a, rather any, partnership. Eventually though, I might give up the idea of a soul mate, and then I might be lucky enough to stare at him in the face. I will see his eyes, and my heart will light up again. Only it will never fade. I hope. Eventually, I will not miss the dreams I once embellished to have, perhaps, though I think, I will miss sleeping alone. I never liked it much. I do though, appreciate my privacy. This is my start. Oh, and it helps I have children and animals enough to keep me warm at night.
But, I am satisfied, very, in the idea that I will only get stronger. I have learned so much so, that I do not care to take the same foolish steps as I ever, or once did. I have repeated my own tragedy enough. And I will take care not to grow callous or foolish. I will remain the same emotional tender hearted being that cannot hide her true feelings. This I know I must. And as far as time, we have been apart now for a little over a month. Though, I pulled my heart away before, time after time I would try so desperately to believe. But I knew there was nothing to believe in. I just finally gained the courage to admit it. And I grew to believe that I was worth all of me, and that my children, oh my goodness where would I be without them…my guiding motivation-deserved everything, not just a moment, not just a memory of what was, or something that might be again. There is no deserved patience in any of that. I could not stand one more second of endurance.
And my mother, she came home from korea on Friday, my cousin married…im going to see the video tomorrow. She is staying with me the weekend. We painted the living room. It is a beautiful color. Two actually one is hued to reflect more light. She said it will help only good energy, and we took out the rest of everything that was bad. Funny lady my mom. I love her, and I know that I am blessed. I continue to surround myself with good things. I drink plenty of unhealthy coffee, because I love the taste, and I kiss my children all to often. I am well, and I am glad that I have such a friend that can enjoy a good listen to the endless ramblings of such a woman.