i spoke to a man today (if you ever read this, i am sorry for discussing what is not mine to tell, but it felt so tragic a thing to not) he reminded me of tents made of trampolines and blankets, all mismatched chairs, and I had forgotten. i did not know his voice, it was not the same those ten or more years ago. and when i knew him he was a boy, secretly my first kiss. the only person that ive ever met with such a name, still to this day. i asked of the family that i once knew, almost as much as my own. his father died some five years ago. he died. those days, in those days, a quarter and the sight of a baby chick were all that made one happy. the corner feed store, is it still there, and a lost and forgotten city that most of the world does not know to exist. do you remember the dalmation puppies, i had begged for one to no avail. i spoke to him some few minutes before my father came to my door. it was very strange, he gave me a half hug, with a strange irregular tapping, which istrongly ridiculed, and then forced him to give me a real hug. i love that he has to bend to hug my properly. always did. how many times has he held me until ive felt whole since i was born. i love my father, and i have been such a rotten daughter. then later i read a passage from a store bought cutout, and it read, "never be the first one to let go" i have always felt this, but never placed words to the feeling. when he left, i watched him leave, as is our custom, until he is no longer in my sight. i wonder how many times i have left at this tradition. we had dinner together, how strange an idea after all that has happened between us, after so many years, she was just eighty when we met, and we are here, yakimmandu and all, but she does not sit with us, when i saw her, i could barely contain myself, and i know it is evil guilt that disturbes me, i knew that she called after me and i never came. she knows my face, and i am again content with guilt that i am allowed this time to see her again, i sat in a hospital, and heard family, what once was my family, speak of a dear woman, she now numbers ninety-two, but i do not think it long enough. they asked after black suits, and cried for sorry, and i am determined never to repeat such a horrid thing as this. she is breathing, if you can call it that, and i know that my daughters father will die again when it is all over. i am scared, for it is just recently that he came back from the dead. he does not hear my words, i tell him that she needs him to live, she needs to see all that he is, all that he came be, i give up, he once told me that he had specifically learnt how to drown out my voice, and he could hear everything else...everything except for my voice. this time, i do not cry to let him know that i love him. he sleeps, and i think that he forgets that we are not together. he looks at me in the way that used to be our custom. i wonder what he is dreaming of. i cannot feel right, and i realize in this moment, that the part of my heart, the whole part that loved him completely, is gone. i leave him alone. and he then eats the green mound of sugar frosting, that my second daughter calls a gum drop off of a cupcake that she made. i hope they will help keep him sane. my word document believes that i spelt that word wrong. sane. it is all that i can hope for him at the moment. i just heard araiya call him daddy, i wonder at the insanity that i have already caused my children. do not think me retched, because the world was never supposed to be this way, this was never supposed to be…i am not strong enough for any of this, my spirit falls, to all things selfish. i forget my earlier promise, and i absorb too much sir...