tonight i can write, however possible, but so (in the deepest of my mourning)only this...
"Behind every smile a frown, every laugh a cry. For I seek not salvation, but redemption. Alone I walk, forever lost..." E.Spenser
but not true, since i am no longer decrepit...it no longer resounds on my skin, or leaves it's ugly mark, there is no bruise, on heal or any other such member. i look to the shroud of turin, forever lost is not myself or mine and the fallen will not me or of mine. such unwholy things, even to dream, does not gouge me still. instead, i sit ever quiet, will no defined direction of consequence. there is no more sadness to pass my time. i do not weap, even if i so wish. i always hated his name, it did not suit a person i was to love. so, here again. i sit. i ache for nothing. i laugh at old things. and i wait...years...how long until i learn to live in my life with myself. constant chattering of nothingness that is important. random thoughts, i know this comes from eternal sunshine. it is not my thought then, it comes to me, and i know it is not mine. ha, like so many other times. i do like it though, it fits, so well. i wish i would have thought of it first. i read that i could be gluttonous because i am a cancer. i do love all things so very delicious. i will have indian food this weekend. taste of india. splendid! i ask myself for a date, there is no rejection...great stuff. and i decided, i rather like that i might possibly be pathetic. (to others, or to even myself as i grade the facts of my life) i like this, that i am vulnerable. that i am weak. it is good, and will keep me happy. for if i was too strong, i would have to be cold. not too much so, but more, and then i would no longer be myself. i amuse myself to say that i will keep it still. also, i think, i could never be completely rational a person. i don't care to be and this i like. it does not suit me, nor do i like people who are, maybe one or two, though i can't think of any persistently calm people at the moment. rage, i will not keep. sadness i will entertain from time to time, in order to keep my ducts from drying out, i always loved a good cry. emotionally disfunctional perhaps, i think it fits my lameness further. i found a zuzu journal. i promise myself that i will continue my ridiculous thoughts further...i like dots after many things...goodnight, farewell. i smile...pathetic still, i sleep.