I haven’t written for so long in the script…
”the brushing of our shoulders…we had a life together…all this in a brief stare ...and I like to think of your face…of your name”…
lying next to you…I felt so real and you were already gone…I am hopeless and reckless and only my heart does not hear me screaming…where shall I end this very misery I allowed to contort...not in this way...in this obsessive disposition…I wait for nothing to come because nothing was promised nothing was spoken. These are not my early years of salvation…but rather the very decaying of my virtue which I had but held in high esteem until now…I cannot want for expression for it was not invited only advanced….and at this I did allow myself to take hold…of what devilish scheme did intoxicate my ears and therefore my fiendish and much too ignorant heart…he speaks for as long as he wants to hear himself and then quits for better dreams...how am I to invite anything further...whilst I am passed recognition and civility I am not calm I am hasty and all my courageous smiles have but left me entirely…I sat in perfect contemplation all the while waiting for something more.,…more to rejoice than my own empty tears…perhaps something red gilded with gold and fixed with lace and hearts designed for my receiving….
01/12/09 I sit by myself and can hear the echo of my breathe in my ears…I wish it were in his…I wait still.
01/12/09 James Russell Lowell who wrote, “the highest of all sciences and services the government.” …is a moron!
01/12/09 Unsympathetic ugly separatist world where artist come wholly and pure and out of love for this world with godly like passions they dare to compare themselves and yet they can see deep into the tragedy of the world they are this special…
01/12/09 And…I have yet to be lost for words…for this idea keeps me better than any further understanding. I lay and am of habit to consider…there is no union so unholy as this one…but what ping I place in holy is quite without determination…for beauty in what has been given that is only the idea to recognize gifts, even or especially when the very giver of these gifts did not mean or does not understand that they are blessed even to be in existence…what???? I know not sense. I surely never claimed for that…my eyes are watering…who ever said lotion does anyone any good. Safe to say tonight it blots out my vision and gives me all the illusion to tears without the very healthy glow that accompanies it. If I had any actor friends I would recommend the trick...but as I do not…I will lend myself a healthy scripter of ideas in reference shall I ever need them in the future…I laugh at myself as I know you do as well…my dearest one….if you ever read after my blogs you’d be sure to laugh now for you have the deepest understanding that I hardly need inducement for tears…something pretty to speak f…I cannot remember this just yet…and I was so hoping for a good beginning…it seemed to have all the promise but so it always seems this way. At least I can breathe.