Monday, January 28, 2008
i am writing not to complain, or scream of some ill begotten curse of which i can attest, only for the purpose of purging this…i am currently perplexed to the point of no end…and need to get this out before it dissolves before me once more, and i am left wondering at the nagging sensation which will not leave me be.
i have a void, own a void, i leave it alone and in what seems like forever it is almost gone. and it seems to go away, though i mean for it to leave all together, it does not go along with the curses. it is as if the ability to mend myself has gone from my very soul. i do not remember feeling so wasted. it is not as if i do not feel happiness. i do, so much so, this very life that i lead makes it impossible to be so very wasted, it does not leave me time to drown in any sort of sorrows, least of all my own. i am left with the inexplicable task of mending myself without warrant, honor, or vigilance. for it is quite possible that i no longer deserve to be mended. perhaps the last time was the very last time that i was to be whole, and i gave it away so suddenly that it might not be able to return. what am i speaking of, i hardly know.
i…cannot see any sort of release or time of which might allow me to be weak. i need this. i need to be weak. i yearn for this, and it leaves me feeling foolish and slight.
you saw a glimpse into my life, and i am not all the better for it. i am left shallow and haunted once again.
i do not mean to attest that i am left this hollow shell, i am not, most of my soul is rather plump. the hours and days are filled with the most beautiful laughter that i am not at all given the time to be miserable as often as i would like. It arises now, only on occasion, and leaves to quickly to be contemplated further, it's outline is so very clear when it is time to consider it again, and however small the sliver, it will not stand too long without being acknowledged before it seeps into the rest of me. maybe it has always been there, but i have been much too busy with other things than to stop and ever examine myself. i was told once, how was it said, that my touch, felt like i had yearned for it my entire life. i am not quoting, perhaps stating it in the way i would like it to have meant. this person might have been the only one that ever noticed this slight piece of me. that feeling has never gone away. was it a promise, i do not know, but somewhere someone put it into my heart that i was to be loved until the end of my days…it is fleeting and in concise.